#affectedbyhate Videli ste už tento tag? Chce sa mi plakať, kričať, znova som znechutená nad našou skurvenou ľudskou rasou, ľudia sú príšery, neskutočné odporné skurvené svine, ktoré si nezaslúžia postavenie, ktoré na tejto zúboženej planéte majú. Ako si navzájom ubližujeme, ako ubližujeme tým, ktorí potrebujú pomoc a ochranu... som jednoducho zhnusená a sklamaná a vedela by som to tu opisovať ešte dlho, no ponáhľam sa, o pol hodinu odchádzam. Idem na benefičný koncert, jeden z mála dobrých vecí, na ktoré sa ľudia asi zmôžu. Dúfam, že aspoň toto bude mať nejaký význam...

Poznáte tie okamihy, keď máte chuť celý život zmeniť od základov? Alebo urobiť nejakú kurva veľkú zmenu? Nie je to prvýkrát, čo sa tak cítim, no prvýkrát, čo neviem, akú zmenu mám na mysli. Prvá takáto situácia bola, keď som povedala, že si idem prefarbiť vlasy na červeno. Výsledkom bola fialová (na ktorú sa vôbec nesťažujem, dokonalá bola) a šok bol krásny. Druhýkrát som sa zo dňa na deň vykašľala na všetko, čo som dovtedy študovala, všetky tie humanitné vedy, dejepis, z ktorého som bola kurva dobrá a študujem matematiku a chcem sa dostať na informatickú výšku. Poslednýkrát to bol piercing, keď som si z ničoho nič, sama netušiac, že som po niečom takom túžila, dala prepichnúť peru. A teraz zasa túžim po čomsi takom, nie prvýkrát ma napadá, že vlasy pôjdu preč, ale nemám pocit, že práve toto je to, po čom túžim. Už som sa rozhodla, že si idem čoskoro dať tetovanie (ktoré som odložila pred nedávnom o pár rokov, že až na výške, lebo naši by ma zrejme vysťahovali), ale mením plán a serem ich (ako oni neustále mňa), len to je čosi, čo nechem robiť sama, takže čakám, kým budú mať isté konkrétne osoby 18. A pôjdeme spolu. Jumelle. Nie je to pekné?
Nechce sa mi písať. Čo chcem, je kresliť. Prečo to človek vždy zistí, až keď už začne niečo iné? Zapnem si seriál a uvedomím si, že chcem knihu. Vytiahnem ceruzky a túžim po štetci. Dnes píšem a chcem ceruzky. Tak idem po ne.

P.S. Let it snow od Johna Greena, Maureen Johnson a Lauren Myracle si musíte prečítať, ja som zamilovaná!!!!!!!!!! :3 :3


Xxx

Thanks...

One thing that crossed my mind recently and hasn't left yet is the idea of thanksgiving. Nowadays it might me just some stupid day for many, but do think about it for a second. A day, when you think about what you are thankful for, when you thank for it... I believe it to be a perfect opportunity for a person to realise what they truly have in their lives... And isn't that what we all need, a bit of realisation that maybe, there still is something to live for...?

Well, there are a few things I am thankful for:

Tumblr. Place, where I feel that maybe there are more creatures like me. Because there I find some faith in humanity, even after losing it all. There I realise that there maybe is some humanity left among us. That's where I find more people fighting their own minds and thoughts, people who survive, even though this world is not meant for them. For us. 

My internet friends. People I've met once, twice in life, or never. People who give me hope, who teach me to look into future with a bit of hope and some dreams not yet crushed to dust by reality. People with whom I can be myself, who accept me, understand me. People like me. People of beautiful souls. People. Real people. More real than the ones I see every day.

My mind. My extraordinary, clever mind. I am thankful for it, even though I hate it oft times. My too clever mind that would never allow me for anything less then the best, keeps me awake in nights with thoughts and kills me a little every day with the way it sees the world. The same mind that makes me the cleverest person of my class, gets A's from tests it has never studied for, remembers things from classes to which it didn't pay the slightest attention. My clever, genius mind that kills me and saves me both daily.

Books. The fact they were invented. I don't think there are words to explain this.

Music.

Some of the people from my life. I will never be able to tell them everything, they will never understand who I actually am or how I actually feel. But they would do everything else for me. They were there when I dyed my hair violet, when I got my lip pierced... They would always be there if I needed a hug, chocolate or anything. They are true friends. They're not like me, but they love me nonetheless. 

This one girl whose name I won't mention. She's person I look up to. She is funniest person I know, hilarious, crazy... She's always doing stupid things and making us all laugh... But there are those moments... those rare moments when she is serious for a while. And those moments are sometimes so close to bringing tears to my eyes. She's the most kind, supportive person I've ever met. We don't know each other well. We dance together, but not for that long and there are many of us, so we don't know the rest that well... and yet, when she asked, I found myself telling her of my hopes and dreams and she was just so kind, supportive, the most human person I know. Or today, she just approached me to congratulate me to winning school competition. Just like that.... I have no idea, how she knew, but she did. It was a few seconds, after that she became her crazy self again. But she left me wondering... who is truly this amazing person hiding behind never ending jokes... The loneliest people are the kindest... The saddest people smile the brightest... that's what always crosses my mind when it comes to her and I wonder... Who really this strange, amazing girl is? What is she hiding behind her japes?

#DepressingDecember

My perhaps

Perhaps I did this.

Perhaps it was my fault and mine only.

Perhaps it all could have been different.

Perhaps it all should have been different.

Perhaps the fate was willing it to be this way.

Perhaps we weren't meant to be.

Perhaps we were.

Perhaps we were, yet my mistakes changed what was supposed to be.

Perhaps I wasn't the only one hurt.

Perhaps I hurt him too.

Perhaps I was just too self-orientated and selfish to notice. 

Perhaps I am to blame.

Perhaps I deserve this.

Perhaps. 

Perhaps.

Perhaps.

Perhaps if I acted differently...

Perhaps if I was stronger...

Perhaps if wasn't so scared...

Perhaps.

Perhaps it could have been.

Perhaps it would.

Perhaps.

Perhaps it would have been perfect.

Perhaps we would have been happy.

Perhaps all I think about would have happened the way I imagined it.

Perhaps he would have kissed me every day.

Perhaps we would have talked about nerdy things for hours.

Perhaps he would have told me he loved me.

Perhaps I would have told him the same.

Perhaps he would have mended me.

Perhaps he would have made me believe in happiness and forevers.

Perhaps he would have made me feel less worthless.

Perhaps he would have given me a purpose.

Perhaps he would have given me a reason to live.

Perhaps he would have taught me to see world like a beautiful place.

Perhaps he would have taught me to smile for real.

Perhaps he would have proven to be all I ever believed him to be.

Perhaps he would have proven to be more. 

Perhaps I could have made him smile.

Perhaps I could have been saying things he would have laughed at.

Perhaps I could have been kissing him and touching all I would have wanted.

Perhaps I could have all of that.

Perhaps, just perhaps, it was what he wanted as well.

Perhaps I used to haunt his dreams just like he haunts mine.

Perhaps he used to think about me too.

Perhaps it all could have been.

Perhaps I was just too stupid.

Definitely it's all gone now.

The worst feeling ever is when your parents ask you what university you want to go to and you've known the answer for ages; you know the school, you known the course you'd take... yet you say you have no idea or you tell them what they want to hear, because you know that if you told them the truth you'd be mocked. So you lie and smile and then slowly walk away to cry into your pillow. Call me a coward all you will, I couldn't care less. If you do, you have no idea what it feels like to be doubted all the time or to live with people who don't understand you a little bit... parents who take you for just an average kid and see your future so similar to theirs. Study something that will get you steady job, do that for the rest of your life, get married, have kids. Be no different from the rest of the world. That's what average people do. I am not average, and this is not even close to what I expect of my life. What I'm telling is not to show off, if anything, I deserve your pity for being of intelligence that is considered highly over average, because it is curse. It makes you want more than average life and sometimes that's not to be had. I don't want just to get through this life like many do, unnoticed... I want to be an artist. I want to create. I want to do something to make the world more interesting place, to make people smile and laugh and be happy...
I cannot do what is expected of me, I can't just get some useless Slovak school degree and do useless job that anyone could do. Yet you have no idea what it feels to do all and be prepared to do even more to gain what you desire most, to be able to sacrifice all for it, yet realise is not even close to being enough... and knowing that no matter what, you'll end up between those people you are not one of and you don't understand... and then you'll just wait until they slowly drain the life out of you... and than, hopefully, you'll die. Depressed, cigarette between your lips, the only one whose kiss you truly desired.

Oh, what a bright future awaits me...

Beautiful and dead

#DepressingDecember


-Then fuck it all

-I'd like to

-Do it then

-But I care too much

-We all do

-And soon we end up broken

-But if we didn't feel at all, would we stay humans?
-No, and that would be perfect.

-Wouldn't we become monsters, though?

-We all are anyway. I want to feel as much pain as is needed to kill me or no pain at all.

-Pain's so close to pleasure sometimes… it is still a feeling and any feeling is better than the emptiness when you feel nothing at all

-Yeah well, people kill themselves to feel as empty as possible.

-I believe it's the empty people who kill themselves before the emptiness does it for them

-I believe it will be my words that will kill me one day.

-Being killed by words is the most beautiful death I can imagine

-Die creative and drunk.

-With a cigarette between your lips

-And genius words on the paper below your beautiful arms.

-Those arms with old marks of suffering like paintings

-And the last cigarette you've smoked, the very last and the tastiest poison you've ever had. Stuck between your red painted lips. Your last kisser.

-The only one who never attempted to break your heart, yet slowly kept destroying you from inside

-How smart can this lover be.... Dangerous and well known, yet still so lovable.

-And the way he keeps kissing, you forget he'll kill you in the end

-And he is also so protective. He never lets other people love you because he wants all of you. Every little breath, every passionate kiss.

-And with every kiss a little bit more of him stays with you, the beautiful smoke that your soul slowly sinks in

-And with every cloud of this smoke, your eyes become more and more blind. And as blind you can see so much more.

-Yet one day you may realise that the world your blind eyes see is quite different from the world the rest knows

-We all know that world inside our head is not just great. It's also infinite. And infinite can't be seen with eyes. You need to see every part of never ending with different part of your broken heart.

Čosi z mojej a Adel Vjtušovej hlavy...

Ona je inak v poriadku

O sebe mám pochybnosti